That Holiday Feeling! Ya know, Anxiety?

‘Tis The Season

Holiday season is officially here. The entire back corner of Target is overflowing with colorful trees and wrapping paper. Families are debating turkey cooking methods. Bloggers are working on their holiday gift guides. New moms everywhere are ordering “My First Christmas” onsies. Pumpkin patches are slowly turning into Christmas tree farms. And serving as the official start to the holiday season, Starbucks holiday cups are finally here!

Holiday Panic Attack, Please Send Presents

Me? I’m freaking the F out. No matter who you are, where you are, or what your plans are, most people celebrate some type of holiday during the November-January season. Can we all just be honest and admit this time isn’t all merry and bright? I think the majority of us can agree that the holiday season is stressful. Between the travel, expense, and FFOs (Forced Family Outings as my parents call them), the holidays are a time that isn’t always easy.

It’s always important to be grateful in life and spend time with loved ones. The holidays serve as a great reminder of that. Yet I can’t help but feel a knot in my chest and sometimes even a lump in my throat during this time. The expectation that we are all supposed to be cheerful and happy during these specific days has always weighed heavily on me. The more I hype up the holidays, the more disappointed I feel when it doesn’t meet my expectations. I’ve always had anxiety, but during this season it seems to go through the roof.

My Brother AJ

The holidays are always a little extra hard on my family personally. I have a younger brother named AJ who passed away almost 10 years ago from childhood cancer. He was 14 when he passed and my only sibling. We found out on November 14th that the treatments available were no longer working. Without any options left the four of us left the hospital together and went home. Being the fighter he was, he made it past Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even New Years. AJ passed away January 5, 2008.

The holidays that year were a blur I barely remember. We covered up the windows with wrapping paper because his eyes were extremely sensitive. My mom put up a Christmas tree for some sense of normalcy, but none of what happened during that holiday season was normal. We exchanged gifts on Christmas like robots, knowing it would be the last time we would do this as a family of four and trying our best just to get through it.

Each holiday he made it through that year was a monumental gift to each of us. At the same time a brutal reminder of what it would be like next year and the years to come. At the beginning of the season I’m always reminded he won’t be with us Christmas morning. Fighting with me about who mom spent more money on.

Late 20’s Blues

Obviously losing someone, especially around the holidays, will make this time hard on anyone. There is also so much more that makes me anxious about this time. I think being in your late twenties/early thirties without kids makes the holiday season a little more awkward feeling as well. You’re stuck somewhere between the excitement you felt over the holidays in college, and the excitement of having children during this time. When you have kids, the “magic” of the holidays seem to come back. Even having my nieces there during the holidays makes these days so much more fun.

Traveling to a town you grew up in for the holidays is not always easy either. There is the terrifying thought of running into someone you don’t want to see. Coupled with the stress of making plans with all of the people you do want to see, it’s a lot to deal with. You’re trying your best to pack in as much freaking joyfulness into a short amount of time as possible. Pleasing as many people as you can along the way.

Being Selfish

Kyle and I are lucky enough to have two very understanding families on our side. They get we can’t be in two places at once and have limited time off to do the traveling we so love. Two years ago we decided to be a little selfish. Kyle and I used the extra time off during the Thanksgiving week to take a trip to Miami. We drove down to the Florida Keys on Thanksgiving day. We blasted music and sang as we flew across the 7-mile bridge. We bought fresh lobster and a genuine key lime pie on the side of the road. I sat in a hot tub while Kyle roasted veggies on the grill. It was a stress-free Thanksgiving and one of our best. We have decided to do the same thing this year with a trip to LA for Thanksgiving!

It’s okay to be “selfish” and take care of your own well-being during this time. Not over extending ourselves will make the holiday season so much more enjoyable. As long as we spend quality time with our families throughout the year, why is one specific day so damn important?

Mrs. Scrooge

I really don’t want to sound like a scrooge. There is a lot of meaning behind the holidays for a lot of people. I just wish it wasn’t so taxing at times. Don’t get me wrong, I will force Kyle to take me to some over priced Christmas show this year and blast holiday music the entire way there. Yet I won’t feel guilty about the decisions I make during this season and the people I choose to spend time with.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the holidays and if anyone ever feels the same way!

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